"And then, I started realizing some things I hadn't realized before. I started thinking, "I really don't do this because I think it's fun, I don't do this because I think there's any money (because God knows there's not), I don't do it because I think it's exciting, I don¹t even think I do it because I think it's good or even necessary." I was sitting there thinking about this man, and then I realized something. I do what I do because I'm broken, too."
I really like this quote. It doesn't matter where it comes from. The hard thing is that the times I've really tried to help people, it's gone so terribly wrong, or else people hated me for even trying to help. So yes, I know what it's like to be broken; but I can't always explain exactly why.
I know what pain is. I know what losing is. I know what it's like to have to give up. I hate that because I don't normally like to give up. But yes, I know what it's like to mess up. I know what it's like for things to take a while to get back to "normal." I know there is no normal, and I know that many people feel this way for most or at least for huge chunks of their life.
I've been feeling this way for quite a while now; going in and out, and even though "things are getting better," I still hope that I never forget what it feels like to be down and feel broken. I hope that I always have a way to access that side of life so that I can never forget what it's really like to be down. So that I can never forget why I feel the need to tell these stories and if not to be free from them, at least be free from the desire to write them down.
Do it once and do it the best you can, and then see what is left. That is what I am really thinking about now.
Oh, and one more thing. I also do this because sometimes I've hurt people too, and I'm still really ashamed of it, some if it at least.
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